Still in ’21: A guide on how to stick to your past like chewing gum

DISCLAIMER: This post is all about how I am a confused dumbarse. If you try following this, you’ll curse me for the rest of your life 🙂

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I’m right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I’m right where you left me
~right where you left me
Taylor Swift

So, if you’ve read the: What I have learned from 2021 post, you’d know that 2021 definitely wasn’t the best year for me. In fact, I went through experiences that have changed me completely. The drama didn’t end when 2022 began, though. In fact, the early months of 2022 were just as ‘happening’ for all the wrong reasons but it all got better after May-June.

Now, while I won’t disagree that I do miss the fighting and the chaos and the drama sometimes, I would definitely not like to go back to it ever.

“We will never go back to that bloodshed

I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War.”

~ The Great War

© Taylor Swift

I have the ugly habit of sticking to things for a very very long time. Like I’ll tell you, my sister is so pissed off with this. Every time she asks me to lend her a shirt or maybe get her a glass of water, I’d just open my long list of every time she declined to give me her highlighters or shut down the T.V. while I was still watching. She is so done with this now that I just see it when she makes ‘that face’ and gives up. It’s hilarious. But as normal as it sounds in this context, it’s much worse in other situations.

I have this terrible habit of remembering things from the past and just storing them somewhere in the back of my head. The worst part, I usually don’t tell people that I remember what they said or how they made me feel but I don’t even pretend to forget. It’s confusing for them and much worse for me. Since I am a very expressive person, it’s visible and invisible at the same time.

Now, since 2021 was a year of happenstances, I won’t say I remember all of it, in fact, I admit that it’s all a blur as if I was drunk the entire year. I just have NO MEMORIES. If you ask me about some x thing we baked together or talked about in 2021 you might have to give me several clues and I still might not be able to figure out what you’re talking about. I just black out. I do remember not being in a good place, feeling hungry and sick all the time and not talking for weeks and crying all the time for absolutely no reason at all, and then hating myself for being such a crybaby.

I’d stay up and give all my nights talking to people whose faces I can’t clearly picturise now because I haven’t seen them in so long.

“Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur”
The Great War
Taylor Swift

When I say talking I exclude the fact that I was texting people. It did me no good.

Every time someone sends me screenshots of their previous chats with me, I have to pretend to remember it half the time because I just don’t remember 💀

At first, I thought, am I getting old? At 15??? I guess, now I know…While the reason stays a mystery, I see this not-remembering-a-single-thing case as a blessing in disguise. I am so happy to not remember the bad things anymore. It’s like the universe is helping me out in this process of healing. (Does this sound super cliche? Ehh anyways…That’s how I feel so, I don’t mind.)

Ok, so, I don’t have any vivid memories but I do have a lot of unsaid things and experiences that got lost in the middle of the storm. I wouldn’t talk much about ‘the storm’, its whys and hows, but I would definitely emphasise the fact that I still talk about it. A LOT.

I used to end up crying every time I’d talk to my Mumma or my friends about it but now I usually end up laughing because I don’t even remember what I was crying about.

Anyway, everything I have talked about contradicts the title so, it’s time I explain that.

Despite the fact that I don’t remember 90% of 2021, I have subconsciously told myself to never get over the 10% of memories that have stayed. 2021 has stuck with me. More like I have stuck with 2021 like a chewing gum and I just won’t let it leave.

I do everything stupid to keep myself reminded of 2021. And it’s fricking 2023 now. I do everything possible to not move on from it. It’s fun most of the time and makes me feel proud to see how far I’ve come but sometimes it just ends up in me feeling hurt when a bad memory hits me from the past.

And why shouldn’t it?

  1. Every time a sudden thought hits me from 2021 I write it down in my diary or letters and keep reading and re-reading it.
  2. I write articles and poems and even now I’m writing about it in this blog post. So you can clearly see how grave the situation is.
  3. I keep talking about it. Every time someone talks to me about 2021 I get blurred flashbacks of it and that gives me the urge to talk about it. Every time that happens *ta-da* I am back to 2021.
  4. I bring it up during conversations. Similar to point 3 but it’s slightly different. Now, this might look as if I’m trying to gain sympathy or attention because I had a troubled past. If you think that way, I won’t justify it to you. You may think like that. Feel free to. I’d bring it up to get the pain off my chest but now I don’t think I have to do all of this because… I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ ehhhhh.

This is so two-faced of me. I forget things but I remember them somehow. I should be moving on now that we’ve entered 2023 but I am still lingering on the years gone. All of this is so confusing. It makes me feel like an idiot. But the universe, my friend, is a GENIUS.

Since, I alone was not able to get over 2021, it started doing things to help me out. I would keep having encounters with the people from my past, things that would remind me of my past and I would curse myself for paying attention to all of it. Now, after facing these incidents over and over again, I have absolutely no emotions left towards them.

It’s like, I’m immune to my past now. I haven’t moved on, entirely but I haven’t stayed either. Life’s going on, I’m going along with it, everything’s fine and I’m still enjoying being in 2021🤍

Please don’t ever become a stranger
(hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you)
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
(hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you)
Please don’t ever become a stranger
(hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you)
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
(And I will hold on to you)
~ New Year’s Day
Taylor Swift