He chose me. He chose to give me the chance to come to this world and have my share of experiences and failures and lessons and dispatch from it all. He made me a certain way. Designed me the way I was meant to be. The way I could fulfill my purpose that I am unknown to. But life put me through things I was never designed for and I designed myself the way I was never meant to be.
I was never designed for self-loathe
never designed for bullying
For being selfish
I was never designed to hate because I don’t love me
For tearing down at the smallest
For feeling weak.
I was never designed for laughing at someone
Or making them feel insecure
For leaving people alone
And for never owning up to it
For pretending I don’t feel anything, I was never designed
For pretending that I feel everything, I was never designed
For hiding in my closet to ignore what’s outside, I was never designed
Never designed to be so caught up in me that I forget to see their efforts to love me.
Now, there are a few things I know I’m really good at. This list includes talking, being in love, being a swiftie and OVERTHINKING.
Overthinking has been a very irresistible habit of mine and I do it all the time without realising and keep doing it until I completely ruin a good thing. Everyone who has ever known me knows of this ugly habit of mine and it was a major resolution I made for 2022. I think I did a decent job fixing it. I just wanted to look back on the failures I faced fixing it, though.
I do not in any way promote this habit. It can ruin relationships including the one with yourself and make you feel like a wrecking ball, so, don’t do it. Just don’t.
Now overthinking comes in stages. It starts with something happening very normally and suddenly your instincts activate. You see something and make an interpretation of your own. Making an interpretation of your own is normal but when you make a million others and get tangled in the mental trap you created for yourself, there’s no one you can blame, no one you can tell this to because it’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
It keeps getting the better of you until you’ve finally figured out a way to tackle it. Honestly, I still end up overthinking little things (such a disgrace to the human race lol). I feel weak, stupid, irritated, overwhelmed, and anxious.
Weak because it’s as if I’ve lost the ability to take control of myself. It feels like a war to get up every day and try to fight the mind that listens to none.
To keep thinking, thinking, thinking, and thinking about things that don’t matter makes us feel like an obstruction in the path of our own growth. Our thoughts decide everything.
The very first word you say every day says a lot about your thoughts. Mine are usually, “what time is it” and I do it every morning because it’s usually afternoon by the time my ‘mornings’ start. There used to be “good mornings” before I got trapped into hypersomniac traits.
I can overthink ANYTHING. It’s something that I tell many people about but I’m not very proud of it. In fact, overthinking is such a draining process it oftens makes me feel like an animal with no other job to do so she’s just busy overthinking everything in her life.
“In my mind Late at night Overthinking everything in my life Just wondering if I’m doing anything right…”
~ Overwhelmed, Ryan Mack
Everything around can be triggering in some way or the other for overthinkers like me who have the very ugly habit of re-iterating every little memory in their head, replaying it over and over again ’til you’ve got 50 different versions of the same story and making incorrect assumptions about what happens next.
Usually what turns out to be is completely different from what was initially overthought. The worst part of this cycle is that once the results are out and it’s nothing like we had presumed it to be we, overthinkers, get satisfied with the results and completely forget the fact that ’til yesterday night I was overthinking this. We overlook this ill habit.
Every time we just overthink and when the results are out, we forget to solve the root problem.
As much as overthinking harms the person himself, the people around are similarly affected due to the ill effects of overthinking. The people around them sense the tension and stress and this leads to them stressing about the same situation. It’s that contagious.
This habit crawls over so bad that it can force you into believing that even the calmest of days are signaling a storm coming by. Instead of living in the moment I’d tend to stress about the unknown.
I knew when ’21 ended that this habit needs working. I cannot say I’m completely over it but yes, I have travelled a long way with it. I still doubt good things and presume until there’s nothing left to but I do not care before hitting Publish every time I snap at my nemesis.
Searching for answers high and low I kinda can’t stand the usual, oh-oh I’m certain there’s something more that I don’t know And I don’t know But this isn’t what I want Questioning things I can’t control Finding my youth’s been getting old Losing myself when nothing’s wrong But who knows if… ~i think too much Christian French
“May you be blessed with someone who speaks your language so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating yourself. “
You know that feeling when it’s like, you have to explain everything to everyone? Like, why you did that or why you said what you said? Or why you left or why you didn’t leave sooner? It’s like your entire life is about explaining things to people. Or at least, that’s what you think. You’re so used to explaining everything you do, that when you finally find people who don’t really need you to explain your actions or justify your mistakes, it’s hard to believe.
Personal experience, it’s weird to be on the receiving end of love and affection when you’ve always poured yourself out to people who didn’t acknowledge your efforts, leave alone reciprocating to it. When you did everything just so they don’t leave you stranded.
So, when there’s no one judging you and your actions, it’s hard to believe that someone can love you without seeking any explanations and commenting unnecessarily.
When someone actually holds your hand and stays by your side while you are the butt of everyone else’s joke. When someone doesn’t drop your hand or join in with the rest when they’re rolling their eyes at you. It feels good to know that someone’s able to share their secrets with you, the feeling of being trustworthy again. That someone waits for you to turn up every single day, absolutely nothing can match the joy of it.
It’s all too surreal! ‘Cuz you’re not used to it. However, as a little kid, you were. When no one silenced you for your wild antics or judged you because you said something wrong. When you had a license to make mistakes. Those were the days and then, it’s today. Just like those days. Free from the fear of judegement and justifications.
It’s beautiful, the satiety of not having to translate every word you say fearing that it’ll be misunderstood. The fear of thinking that a bit of advice you give will be treated as a plot to frame you for what could go wrong if things didn’t work out well.
It’s so unbelievable that you have to pinch yourself hard. It’s all like never before.
The fact that you see your past sitting at lunch with you but your present is so beautiful that you have no time to think about it.
DISCLAIMER: This post is all about how I am a confused dumbarse. If you try following this, you’ll curse me for the rest of your life 🙂
Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I’m right where you left me Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I, I’m right where you left me ~right where you left me Taylor Swift
So, if you’ve read the: What I have learned from 2021 post, you’d know that 2021 definitely wasn’t the best year for me. In fact, I went through experiences that have changed me completely. The drama didn’t end when 2022 began, though. In fact, the early months of 2022 were just as ‘happening’ for all the wrong reasons but it all got better after May-June.
Now, while I won’t disagree that I do miss the fighting and the chaos and the drama sometimes, I would definitely not like to go back to it ever.
“We will never go back to that bloodshed
I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War.”
I have the ugly habit of sticking to things for a very very long time. Like I’ll tell you, my sister is so pissed off with this. Every time she asks me to lend her a shirt or maybe get her a glass of water, I’d just open my long list of every time she declined to give me her highlighters or shut down the T.V. while I was still watching. She is so done with this now that I just see it when she makes ‘that face’ and gives up. It’s hilarious. But as normal as it sounds in this context, it’s much worse in other situations.
I have this terrible habit of remembering things from the past and just storing them somewhere in the back of my head. The worst part, I usually don’t tell people that I remember what they said or how they made me feel but I don’t even pretend to forget. It’s confusing for them and much worse for me. Since I am a very expressive person, it’s visible and invisible at the same time.
Now, since 2021 was a year of happenstances, I won’t say I remember all of it, in fact, I admit that it’s all a blur as if I was drunk the entire year. I just have NO MEMORIES. If you ask me about some x thing we baked together or talked about in 2021 you might have to give me several clues and I still might not be able to figure out what you’re talking about. I just black out. I do remember not being in a good place, feeling hungry and sick all the time and not talking for weeks and crying all the time for absolutely no reason at all, and then hating myself for being such a crybaby.
I’d stay up and give all my nights talking to people whose faces I can’t clearly picturise now because I haven’t seen them in so long.
“Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur” The Great War Taylor Swift
When I say talking I exclude the fact that I was texting people. It did me no good.
Every time someone sends me screenshots of their previous chats with me, I have to pretend to remember it half the time because I just don’t remember 💀
At first, I thought, am I getting old? At 15??? I guess, now I know…While the reason stays a mystery, I see this not-remembering-a-single-thing case as a blessing in disguise. I am so happy to not remember the bad things anymore. It’s like the universe is helping me out in this process of healing. (Does this sound super cliche? Ehh anyways…That’s how I feel so, I don’t mind.)
Ok, so, I don’t have any vivid memories but I do have a lot of unsaid things and experiences that got lost in the middle of the storm. I wouldn’t talk much about ‘the storm’, its whys and hows, but I would definitely emphasise the fact that I still talk about it. A LOT.
I used to end up crying every time I’d talk to my Mumma or my friends about it but now I usually end up laughing because I don’t even remember what I was crying about.
Anyway, everything I have talked about contradicts the title so, it’s time I explain that.
Despite the fact that I don’t remember 90% of 2021, I have subconsciously told myself to never get over the 10% of memories that have stayed. 2021 has stuck with me. More like I have stuck with 2021 like a chewing gum and I just won’t let it leave.
I do everything stupid to keep myself reminded of 2021. And it’s fricking 2023 now. I do everything possible to not move on from it. It’s fun most of the time and makes me feel proud to see how far I’ve come but sometimes it just ends up in me feeling hurt when a bad memory hits me from the past.
And why shouldn’t it?
Every time a sudden thought hits me from 2021 I write it down in my diary or letters and keep reading and re-reading it.
I write articles and poems and even now I’m writing about it in this blog post. So you can clearly see how grave the situation is.
I keep talking about it. Every time someone talks to me about 2021 I get blurred flashbacks of it and that gives me the urge to talk about it. Every time that happens *ta-da* I am back to 2021.
I bring it up during conversations. Similar to point 3 but it’s slightly different. Now, this might look as if I’m trying to gain sympathy or attention because I had a troubled past. If you think that way, I won’t justify it to you. You may think like that. Feel free to. I’d bring it up to get the pain off my chest but now I don’t think I have to do all of this because… I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️ ehhhhh.
This is so two-faced of me. I forget things but I remember them somehow. I should be moving on now that we’ve entered 2023 but I am still lingering on the years gone. All of this is so confusing. It makes me feel like an idiot. But the universe, my friend, is a GENIUS.
Since, I alone was not able to get over 2021, it started doing things to help me out. I would keep having encounters with the people from my past, things that would remind me of my past and I would curse myself for paying attention to all of it. Now, after facing these incidents over and over again, I have absolutely no emotions left towards them.
It’s like, I’m immune to my past now. I haven’t moved on, entirely but I haven’t stayed either. Life’s going on, I’m going along with it, everything’s fine and I’m still enjoying being in 2021🤍
Please don’t ever become a stranger (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Please don’t ever become a stranger (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (And I will hold on to you) ~ New Year’s Day Taylor Swift
The wait is finally over and it’s time we start the ride all over again. LOL. I hope 2023 brings you lots of love, luck and light. May 2023 be as lucky as the sum of its digits. (not me trying to look smart)
Anywayyy, this year New Year celebration was amazing. It was not very sparkly or glittery, it was all about lots of people meeting, and having a great time together. New Year’s eve was all about fun with my sistah and my cousins who had come over. I went on a bike ride with my sis and we baked a cake, got chased by dogs (this was not fun), and enjoyed it so much.
The morning was all about going to the park in the morning, enjoying solitude, and thinking about the days gone by.
The afternoon was about doing what I love. I watched movies with my family and played music on my terrace while I painted flower pots. It was so fun having paint all over my hands after so long. Here is a little picture of the mess I made. Hehe, don’t judge. I know, it’s terrible.
And this is a click of what was remaining of — the cAkE.
I took my dog on a walk to the park later in the night and I talked to him about my hopes for 2023. He didn’t seem very interested though.
After my cousins left, I went to bed. Butttt how could I miss THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF NEW YEAR. Reading my lettersssssss. So that’s what I did. I tucked myself in bed while I secretly pulled out my letters from the hide. I flipped through the pages of each one of them. They held so many emotions. I know this sounds so cliche but even the touch of every paper said something. Even my writing explained my emotions. The running handwriting showed my anger. The calligraphy depicted peace. Some pages had distorted ink due to my tears while some were crumpled showing my urge to throw them away. But I kept ’em. I kept all of ’em. Despite the fact that most of them held the most negative of my days, the others showed me how happy I was then. So, I kept ’em.
It is the feeling of fulfillment every time I read these letters that motivates me to write more. The feeling of not being in the same place anymore. The feeling of growth. However, at times, I still don’t feel right but the fact that I am in a better place than before is what these letters tell me. They make me feel so grateful for everything around me.
The fact that I am still surviving after losing, leaving, and being left. After falling, breaking down, and getting the pieces of myself in place again. After trusting, learning to never trust again, trying to trust again only to get betrayed again. After sharing, over-sharing, and then only sharing with the people who deserve to know. After all of my bad days and all of the good ones, it shows me that I am still surviving. For the best.
When you read your letters on New Year’s Eve with those fireworks outside, everything feels worth it.
I really recommend everyone to do the same. Even if you don’t have anything to say, just write down “I don’t know what to talk about today”. When you read that after some time, you’ll know how emotionless your days used to be then. 💀 (personal experience, speaking.)
I hold a lot of hopes for this year too. I wrote in my first letter of the year today about all that I want 2023 to be like. I don’t have major resolutions for this year, small ones but they’ll make a great difference to my life for sure.
Be less altruistic and a little more selfish. Those who know me personally suggested I should do this so, here we go
Learn to prioritise. Both people and work.
Focus more on academic and co-curricular growth. I think I did a fairly good job with this in 2022. I focussed more on co-curricular than I did in 2021 and the back-end work that I did in 2021 bore me fruits in 2022. I got recognition for my work and talent but I want to do more of it this year ‘cuz BOARD EXAMS came in the way. Once they’re over. Junior year is waiting 🤍
Get back to dancing. Though I did re-start dancing this year, I really want to give my practical and theory exam this year so that I move to Prarambhik-4 class. (It’s a level/class in Indian classical dance forms.)
Be decisive. I can already foresee. This year is going to be about major decisions. I’d have to be very careful because each step might disappoint someone while it’d make someone else very happy. I really hope my decisions don’t negatively affect me or the people who care for me in any way. I have already hurt them enough.
2021 was about making mistakes and breaking down while 2022 was about learning from the mistakes, correcting them, and getting up again. 2023 should be all about healing and new beginnings. At least that’s what I hope for. 2022 has been a beautiful year with lots of memories. I wish 2023 is as good as my horoscope says it’ll be. LOL.
I wish you all a very happy new year again. May this year bring you the will and power to be able to meet your resolutions and lots of good memories to hold on to.
“Everything you lose is a step you take So make the friendship bracelets Take the moment and taste it You’ve got no reason to be afraid” You’re On Your Own, Kid Taylor Swift
Just because your past has hit you hard, don’t stop trusting.
Don’t stop making mistakes. Don’t stop making friends. Don’t stop falling in love. If you didn’t get it right the first time, it was for a reason. Reflect on what went wrong and TRY not to repeat the same. If you do repeat it, don’t worry…Try again… Don’t be scared of what ‘will’ happen and what ‘can’ go wrong, think of how something beautiful can be created out of your scars.
When you start learning from your past and applying it to your present, the past wounds gradually fade and you discover an all-new version of yourself.
A more sensible, and justttt a little less guilty and of course, Happier…than ever before…version of yourself.
“You’re on your own, kid Yeah, you can face this You’re on your own, kid You always have been.”
You weren’t mine to lose. No…” ~August Taylor Swift
Life is amazinggggg. It gives you all kinds of experiences and prepares you for… I don’t even know what…death? Anyways, let’s just get straight to the point.
I have this thing for dissing people through writings. Ok? I like targeting. So, if it is too evident who this is for…NOT MY PROBLEM. Just deal with it yourself.
I’M SORRY :”D
Before I tell you what all this is about you must understand the importance of everything mentioned in the title. I’ll break it down for you.
‘From Survival to Revival: ft. (Keep Notes) Ep 1. To feel like a replacement’ talks about two incidents of mine that revolve around the word ‘REPLACE’. While Part.1 talks about being a replacement for someone in someone’s life, what it feels like, how it started, how it ended part 2 talks about the same word but with a different connotation.
This part is going to be more like a storytime. It’s just an incident from the recent past that I felt was one of the things I most vividly remember from 2022. I don’t know if I want to carry it with me to 2023 but I do want to carry the learning and share it with you.
So, I had this friend. We’ll call her using the pronouns SHE and HER.
She and I had known each other since middle school. We did a few school shows and events together and had great camaraderie. Sadly, when we became classmates in freshman year, both of us turned rivals. Actually, she started disliking me for some unsaid reasons. I, already tangled in my own life, didn’t really bother to do something to change that.
A year passed. Slowly, due to her negative attitude toward me, I started averting from her too.
In sophomore, she called me up during the summer break and started talking to me about her feud with her friends. It was a topic on everyone’s lips so it wasn’t news to me. I was honestly, quite stunned by the fact that ‘SHE’ had called me since everyone knew how much she hated me for being…me? I guess?
But I didn’t let it show and comforted her. I had already known about all the problems she was going through and empathized with her because we were both going through the same kind of stuff. Almost the same.
We started talking more often…discussing life. Her friend became friends with me and my friend too. Things turned awesomeeee. We started chatting often…doing challenges…going on friend dates. We did a couple more events together. Everything was great. We created so many memories together, until, of course, the past dived in.
We had both recently lost our best friends. I could empathise with her because I, too, knew what it was like.
Then came something that kills joy, friendships, and all kinds of relationships. False expectations, comparison, and jealousy.
She started expecting me to replace her lost best friend. She didn’t say it until much later but it showed. It was very evident in our conversations. She missed her best friend. I missed my friend too but I never wanted to replace her best friend and would never let her take my lost best friend’s place.
She would mention how the things that we did together were the things that she did before, with her lost friend, and how doing the same things with me gives her deja vu. No conversation would go by without her mentioning her friend’s name. It was all ok with me. I thought it was her period of grief and moving on so I felt, that’s all right. I stuck with her the entire time. Months passed on and everything felt like a movie. It was still working out well for us. It got jinxed pretty soon, though. Not much later did she completely put a full stop to everything.
Our memories, thoughts, the times we laughed and cried and bonded over things, talked about zodiacs and listened to Taylor Swift, it was all about to be asweet memory.
A couple months back, our group of four friends (her friend, my friend, her, and I ) was having a conversation and suddenly she and I recalled an incident from the past. We were both so excited to talk about it that we started arguing over who’ll go first. I, being the ever-compromising me, said,”You go first…” but what she said next was something I could have never expected
She nodded with pride and said, “Of course, I’ll go first. You are only here to listen to me, anyway.” And if that wasn’t enough, she further added, “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be here. Would you?”. She started laughing until she saw our faces, struck with silence.
I was shattered. Speechless.
After all the times I crushed my own hopes, beliefs, and desires all she gave me was apathy. I felt used. Exploited, actually. I had been betrayed. Again. It happens to me all the time.
And the typical me, like always, blamed herself for that one minute when no one said a thing. They looked at her, then they looked at me, and then the look of shock turned to pity.
My guy best friend, more like my brother, who also, by the way, had a slight crush on her at that time got enraged when she said that but I asked him to stop there. Not with words. With eyes. They said it all.
He didn’t say a thing. No one said anything. I think she realized that she had uttered something wrong. She gave me her most inviting smile ever, which beseeched me to not punch her in the face for saying that.
I went along and said, “haha…go on…tell me what happened next…” I regretted doing that later, but I didn’t know how else to react.
And suddenly, everything was normal again. Everyone started speaking and indulging in the conversation. Only 5 minutes later, the bell rang. Everyone stood up for the day-end prayer. I stood up too. I couldn’t stand for long, though. It was after a very long time that I had felt “weak in the knees” in the literal sense. LOL.
I closed my eyes while the prayer was going on and in my head, I only got flashbacks of everything from the very first day and I said to myself, “It’ll never be the same again”.
All this time, I was being used as a replacement. More like, a rebound. I was giving her that momentary pleasure of experiencing the same things she had experienced with her friend before. I was trying to match up to her expectations thinking that we were something good.
I not only lost a very good friend but also hope. Hope, to ever comfort a grieving heart again.
Well, this was it for the story. We didn’t talk for a couple of days because I’m a human and humans get pissed off, though, I didn’t express it. My guy friend who was already done with this attitude of hers soon broke up with her. She lost her “ranting or hear-me-always device” aka me so she had to run back to her old friends. I hope she’s not treating them the same.
I don’t blame her for what she said. I still believe in kind hearts and people who actually treat other people with love. I’ve heard, I’m on the list of people she hates. While I did not realise how being on that list is reducing my amount of oxygen intake or stopping my heart from pumping the right amount of blood, I can’t seem to know why I belong there.
Well, when she was asked about why she had talked to me that way in the first place, she called the allegations FALSE so, that’s funny. Anyways, we are on talking terms now. I initiated. Obviously, haha. It’s not the same though. I’ve heard, she’s leaving school next year. I wish her all the very best and as for me, I’ve got to be careful next time lol.
“To kill someone innocent slowly is what a rebound relationship does. You’re using someone to forget the memories of someone else. You try to unlove someone by pretending to love a different person. It gives you pseudo happiness, satisfies your grieving soul but completely shatters the life of the one who’s trying to give their all to you but watches you never feel that they are doing ‘enough’. “
Put yourself in their shoes and maybe then you’ll know how small instances can scar someone for a lifetime.
Beware of being a replacement. It’s not the best thing to be.
So, I obviously had to do this right in the middle of the night ’cause SWIFTIES know.
Anywayyyyyy, I’ve been super excited about this for the past few days. I cannot emphasise more how happy I am while doing this. So, as you know 2022 is heading towards its end and it’s time we follow the annual ritual of getting a ~new journal~ and reading my letters (my most favourite thing to do EVERRRR).
I am on top of the world and nothing can make me happier than documenting it and sharing this with you so here is an OFFICIAL entry of my 2022 peep-in.
Goodbye ’22: “It’s a wrap!”
This record would follow a series of chapters that I’d be turning over for the next few days until we hit 2k23 (or even after…) The chapters in no particular order are:
A Lyrical Guide To The Lessons I’ve Learnt ft. 2k22
From Survival to Revival: ft. Keep Notes
OK Google…: A 3 a.m. conviction note to self
Sunshine after rain or the calm before a storm? ft. Overthinking
Still in ’21: A guide on how to stick to your past like chewing gum.
You’re only 15 once
The Love Calculator: ft. My Beautifullll fRieNDs
To find the “I” in us: The art of surviving a friend triskaidecagon
Truth and Dare: A game of lies and “Nah…I’ll pass”
HOME: How far have I come?
Dropdown Lines: For you, I’d colonise the world like Britain ft. New Loveeee
Question…? : Where do we go when the love runs out?
Book Tweaks: My favourite quotes from the books I read this year 👐🏻
It’s so stupid how being alone sounds like such a terrible idea but it’s the BEST THING EVER. I won’t lie, I am not the one who’ll stay inside forever. I need people. I need noise and chattering heads, talking nonsense all the time. (No introverts were harmed during the making of this blog post lol)
I dunno, it just makes me happy. Helps feel energised and when you’re a part of a large…largeeeeee friend circle, triskaidecagon, in my case, you know it’s not always the easiest task to have an individual identity while being in a group.
Sometimes, you’d feel ignored or less tended to, not important, made to feel worthless or get unintentionally outcasted. When everyone goes out, has fun, and posts pictures of them partying and enjoying while you weren’t invited? This can make you feel lonelier than ever. You start seeking attention. In all possible ways. And when you don’t get it you start hoping everyone just forgets you and realise…wait, haven’t they, already?
These can be the subtle signs that you too, are caught in the vicious cycle of finding the “I” in “us”.
It can be confusing…All these emotions, all at once. I mean, I’ll tell you, I have been in a group with like 13 people (hence, the title…don’t assume my math status, it’s terrible and I mean TERRIBLE) and what’s amazing is that each one of us had an individuality or so I felt.
Each one of us was something different and unique. We were all a group yet knew where we divide the lines and chose our ‘friends’ and our ‘best friends’ and our ‘just friends’. And we were only 10!
We’re like 15 now. Isn’t it stupid how we mess this up now? I mean, we didn’t back then…What went wrong? When did we stop drawing ‘the line’. The line that divides and cuts you off from those 12 others?
Guess, it never existed. It didn’t. In my case, atleast.
To survive in a group of highly diversified people, it’s important to figure out your own essence. When I, yet again, became a part of a very VERY mentally draining group where the people were nice, but you know, all of us were a bunch of teenagers, all going through different stuff, some of ’em going through the really bad stuff and some of them just faking it.
In the midst of all this, I started questioning myself. If I leave, who cares? And till when does the care last? Today? Or maybe till next week? Or month? And then? It’s over.
It’s all temporary. Nothing lasts forever.
But that’s another topic to talk about. The main question is, WHO CARES? Someone? No one? It can be shattering at first that no one reached out. I remember not going to school for like 4 days in a row while I like maintaining a decent attendance and nobody really…cared? to ask, even?
That’s when I realised that I am caught in this friend triskaidecagon where I have completely lost myself while hitting every corner of the triskaidecagon and yet returning to the same corner, every time, ignored, unloved.
I felt alienated. ‘Estranged’ is the word they used and I won’t disagree.
This triskaidecagon, it’s people, they were my everything. Now, what do I do? Out of 12 others, most don’t care and the few ones who do are so caught up in their own lives, they’ll maybe never be able to see my side. I didn’t want to feel like a problem that needs to be resolved and so I came up with this 7-step strategy I followed:
Repeat step 1
If toxic, repeat step 2
Repeat step 5
Step 1, is to prioritise. Prioritise the people in your life. Choose people who deserve your love, mental peace, advice, care, patience, and tolerance. Remember, just because you love them doesn’t mean you have to make them your priority. If they’re really accepting and responding to your efforts also counts.
Step 2, very important, de-clutter. My friend once told me this and my Mumma framed it very beautifully. I carried this myself a long way and it has actually helped clear up big chaos in my life. If your life is too occupied by people who are clogging your mindset, your self-worth, and your attitude toward life and negatively affecting your life in absolutely any way that’s inhibiting your growth, WALK OUT. Create a semi-permeable membrane around you and only let YOU decide who stays and who doesn’t. Break free from the walls of others if you feel caged in them.
“This is the part when I break free ‘Cause I can’t resist it no more” ~ Break Free Ariana Grande
When I say “remove the clutter from your life”, no, I’m not telling you to ghost people on social media or in real life, that’s not a very mature thing to do. Instead, try giving it closure. Maybe write it down or face them about it. Tell them that you’re not happy with the way things have worked out and that you wish to leave or maybe take a break from everything.
Now, you might also think I am telling people to ‘escape’ when extremities hit, but no, that’s not the idea. What I intend to say is that it’s better you tell them before it gets worse. Remember, being selfish for yourself isn’t a very bad idea. It’s important you realise it sooner. Show ’em that you’re trying really hard to sustain this friendship but if you see your worth drowning somewhere then it’s better to leave than lie. Analyse people, their actions, and behaviour around you. Don’t let love take over respect. They go hand-in-hand. Analyse their actions after you leave. If you see a positive change after you take a break from them, you might want to give it another try but if you only see them backbiting and singing around stories, making you the villain, you know it’s time.
“Sometimes giving up is the strong thing Sometimes to run is the brave thing Sometimes walking out is the one thing That will find you the right thing” ~It’s Time To Go Taylor Swift
Now, this is a pro tip for people like me, who are bad at goodbyes. To Distance.
I know it can be hard to bid goodbye to people you are extremely, extremely close to. But what you can do is distance yourself from people who are too hard to leave and too hard to stay with, at the same time. Go slow, take baby steps and move a little back. Be friendly, but not friends. Mind you, there’s a difference. You don’t have to stay with them the same way before but that also doesn’t mean hate. ‘Indifference’ is a term that exists. Apply it. This is the best way of negotiation where no one gets hurt, no fake niceties and no one feels blamed.
Now, many people might not find these experiences worth a share but if you are anywhere like me then these tips might help.
While these tips worked out for me, they might not work out for everyone. Not everyone can hear taunts about being an ‘escapist’, ‘coward’, ‘ghoster’, ‘villain’, ‘victim’, ‘over-sharer’, ‘attention-seeker’, and some other words that require censorship. When you walk out people can say things about you, they’ll say ‘you’ve changed’, some might start ‘hating’ you while others might start ’empathising’ with you. What I suggest you to do is to START FRESH.
This is a big world and there are many more people out there who’re in search of someone like you. You might have encounters with the people from your past walking around but when you see the hate in their eyes while you only feel…nothing? Everything feels worth it.
While it feels like a big decision in the start, at the end of the day, when you go to bed, with a clear mind, happy with the fact that you just covered a post while using all those people as a pawn (this sounds rude, but no, won’t delete), not having to think about yet another day you’d have to deal with feeling invisible and bullied and unloved because you took the right decision and chose to leave at the right time, you wouldn’t care about what they say.
Trust me. You wouldn’t…
P.S: Don’t kill me for the ‘not getting invited to parties’ thing, I know you guys invite me and I don’t turn up. You know, I have rEaSOns 💀. I love you guys anywayyyy😭💞🌏