He chose me. He chose to give me the chance to come to this world and have my share of experiences and failures and lessons and dispatch from it all. He made me a certain way. Designed me the way I was meant to be. The way I could fulfill my purpose that I am unknown to. But life put me through things I was never designed for and I designed myself the way I was never meant to be.
I was never designed for self-loathe
never designed for bullying
For being selfish
I was never designed to hate because I don’t love me
For tearing down at the smallest
For feeling weak.
I was never designed for laughing at someone
Or making them feel insecure
For leaving people alone
And for never owning up to it
For pretending I don’t feel anything, I was never designed
For pretending that I feel everything, I was never designed
For hiding in my closet to ignore what’s outside, I was never designed
Never designed to be so caught up in me that I forget to see their efforts to love me.
Now, there are a few things I know I’m really good at. This list includes talking, being in love, being a swiftie and OVERTHINKING.
Overthinking has been a very irresistible habit of mine and I do it all the time without realising and keep doing it until I completely ruin a good thing. Everyone who has ever known me knows of this ugly habit of mine and it was a major resolution I made for 2022. I think I did a decent job fixing it. I just wanted to look back on the failures I faced fixing it, though.
I do not in any way promote this habit. It can ruin relationships including the one with yourself and make you feel like a wrecking ball, so, don’t do it. Just don’t.
Now overthinking comes in stages. It starts with something happening very normally and suddenly your instincts activate. You see something and make an interpretation of your own. Making an interpretation of your own is normal but when you make a million others and get tangled in the mental trap you created for yourself, there’s no one you can blame, no one you can tell this to because it’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
It keeps getting the better of you until you’ve finally figured out a way to tackle it. Honestly, I still end up overthinking little things (such a disgrace to the human race lol). I feel weak, stupid, irritated, overwhelmed, and anxious.
Weak because it’s as if I’ve lost the ability to take control of myself. It feels like a war to get up every day and try to fight the mind that listens to none.
To keep thinking, thinking, thinking, and thinking about things that don’t matter makes us feel like an obstruction in the path of our own growth. Our thoughts decide everything.
The very first word you say every day says a lot about your thoughts. Mine are usually, “what time is it” and I do it every morning because it’s usually afternoon by the time my ‘mornings’ start. There used to be “good mornings” before I got trapped into hypersomniac traits.
I can overthink ANYTHING. It’s something that I tell many people about but I’m not very proud of it. In fact, overthinking is such a draining process it oftens makes me feel like an animal with no other job to do so she’s just busy overthinking everything in her life.
“In my mind Late at night Overthinking everything in my life Just wondering if I’m doing anything right…”
~ Overwhelmed, Ryan Mack
Everything around can be triggering in some way or the other for overthinkers like me who have the very ugly habit of re-iterating every little memory in their head, replaying it over and over again ’til you’ve got 50 different versions of the same story and making incorrect assumptions about what happens next.
Usually what turns out to be is completely different from what was initially overthought. The worst part of this cycle is that once the results are out and it’s nothing like we had presumed it to be we, overthinkers, get satisfied with the results and completely forget the fact that ’til yesterday night I was overthinking this. We overlook this ill habit.
Every time we just overthink and when the results are out, we forget to solve the root problem.
As much as overthinking harms the person himself, the people around are similarly affected due to the ill effects of overthinking. The people around them sense the tension and stress and this leads to them stressing about the same situation. It’s that contagious.
This habit crawls over so bad that it can force you into believing that even the calmest of days are signaling a storm coming by. Instead of living in the moment I’d tend to stress about the unknown.
I knew when ’21 ended that this habit needs working. I cannot say I’m completely over it but yes, I have travelled a long way with it. I still doubt good things and presume until there’s nothing left to but I do not care before hitting Publish every time I snap at my nemesis.
Searching for answers high and low I kinda can’t stand the usual, oh-oh I’m certain there’s something more that I don’t know And I don’t know But this isn’t what I want Questioning things I can’t control Finding my youth’s been getting old Losing myself when nothing’s wrong But who knows if… ~i think too much Christian French
“May you be blessed with someone who speaks your language so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating yourself. “
You know that feeling when it’s like, you have to explain everything to everyone? Like, why you did that or why you said what you said? Or why you left or why you didn’t leave sooner? It’s like your entire life is about explaining things to people. Or at least, that’s what you think. You’re so used to explaining everything you do, that when you finally find people who don’t really need you to explain your actions or justify your mistakes, it’s hard to believe.
Personal experience, it’s weird to be on the receiving end of love and affection when you’ve always poured yourself out to people who didn’t acknowledge your efforts, leave alone reciprocating to it. When you did everything just so they don’t leave you stranded.
So, when there’s no one judging you and your actions, it’s hard to believe that someone can love you without seeking any explanations and commenting unnecessarily.
When someone actually holds your hand and stays by your side while you are the butt of everyone else’s joke. When someone doesn’t drop your hand or join in with the rest when they’re rolling their eyes at you. It feels good to know that someone’s able to share their secrets with you, the feeling of being trustworthy again. That someone waits for you to turn up every single day, absolutely nothing can match the joy of it.
It’s all too surreal! ‘Cuz you’re not used to it. However, as a little kid, you were. When no one silenced you for your wild antics or judged you because you said something wrong. When you had a license to make mistakes. Those were the days and then, it’s today. Just like those days. Free from the fear of judegement and justifications.
It’s beautiful, the satiety of not having to translate every word you say fearing that it’ll be misunderstood. The fear of thinking that a bit of advice you give will be treated as a plot to frame you for what could go wrong if things didn’t work out well.
It’s so unbelievable that you have to pinch yourself hard. It’s all like never before.
The fact that you see your past sitting at lunch with you but your present is so beautiful that you have no time to think about it.
DISCLAIMER: This post is all about how I am a confused dumbarse. If you try following this, you’ll curse me for the rest of your life 🙂
Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I’m right where you left me Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I, I’m right where you left me ~right where you left me Taylor Swift
So, if you’ve read the: What I have learned from 2021 post, you’d know that 2021 definitely wasn’t the best year for me. In fact, I went through experiences that have changed me completely. The drama didn’t end when 2022 began, though. In fact, the early months of 2022 were just as ‘happening’ for all the wrong reasons but it all got better after May-June.
Now, while I won’t disagree that I do miss the fighting and the chaos and the drama sometimes, I would definitely not like to go back to it ever.
“We will never go back to that bloodshed
I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War.”
I have the ugly habit of sticking to things for a very very long time. Like I’ll tell you, my sister is so pissed off with this. Every time she asks me to lend her a shirt or maybe get her a glass of water, I’d just open my long list of every time she declined to give me her highlighters or shut down the T.V. while I was still watching. She is so done with this now that I just see it when she makes ‘that face’ and gives up. It’s hilarious. But as normal as it sounds in this context, it’s much worse in other situations.
I have this terrible habit of remembering things from the past and just storing them somewhere in the back of my head. The worst part, I usually don’t tell people that I remember what they said or how they made me feel but I don’t even pretend to forget. It’s confusing for them and much worse for me. Since I am a very expressive person, it’s visible and invisible at the same time.
Now, since 2021 was a year of happenstances, I won’t say I remember all of it, in fact, I admit that it’s all a blur as if I was drunk the entire year. I just have NO MEMORIES. If you ask me about some x thing we baked together or talked about in 2021 you might have to give me several clues and I still might not be able to figure out what you’re talking about. I just black out. I do remember not being in a good place, feeling hungry and sick all the time and not talking for weeks and crying all the time for absolutely no reason at all, and then hating myself for being such a crybaby.
I’d stay up and give all my nights talking to people whose faces I can’t clearly picturise now because I haven’t seen them in so long.
“Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur” The Great War Taylor Swift
When I say talking I exclude the fact that I was texting people. It did me no good.
Every time someone sends me screenshots of their previous chats with me, I have to pretend to remember it half the time because I just don’t remember 💀
At first, I thought, am I getting old? At 15??? I guess, now I know…While the reason stays a mystery, I see this not-remembering-a-single-thing case as a blessing in disguise. I am so happy to not remember the bad things anymore. It’s like the universe is helping me out in this process of healing. (Does this sound super cliche? Ehh anyways…That’s how I feel so, I don’t mind.)
Ok, so, I don’t have any vivid memories but I do have a lot of unsaid things and experiences that got lost in the middle of the storm. I wouldn’t talk much about ‘the storm’, its whys and hows, but I would definitely emphasise the fact that I still talk about it. A LOT.
I used to end up crying every time I’d talk to my Mumma or my friends about it but now I usually end up laughing because I don’t even remember what I was crying about.
Anyway, everything I have talked about contradicts the title so, it’s time I explain that.
Despite the fact that I don’t remember 90% of 2021, I have subconsciously told myself to never get over the 10% of memories that have stayed. 2021 has stuck with me. More like I have stuck with 2021 like a chewing gum and I just won’t let it leave.
I do everything stupid to keep myself reminded of 2021. And it’s fricking 2023 now. I do everything possible to not move on from it. It’s fun most of the time and makes me feel proud to see how far I’ve come but sometimes it just ends up in me feeling hurt when a bad memory hits me from the past.
And why shouldn’t it?
Every time a sudden thought hits me from 2021 I write it down in my diary or letters and keep reading and re-reading it.
I write articles and poems and even now I’m writing about it in this blog post. So you can clearly see how grave the situation is.
I keep talking about it. Every time someone talks to me about 2021 I get blurred flashbacks of it and that gives me the urge to talk about it. Every time that happens *ta-da* I am back to 2021.
I bring it up during conversations. Similar to point 3 but it’s slightly different. Now, this might look as if I’m trying to gain sympathy or attention because I had a troubled past. If you think that way, I won’t justify it to you. You may think like that. Feel free to. I’d bring it up to get the pain off my chest but now I don’t think I have to do all of this because… I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️ ehhhhh.
This is so two-faced of me. I forget things but I remember them somehow. I should be moving on now that we’ve entered 2023 but I am still lingering on the years gone. All of this is so confusing. It makes me feel like an idiot. But the universe, my friend, is a GENIUS.
Since, I alone was not able to get over 2021, it started doing things to help me out. I would keep having encounters with the people from my past, things that would remind me of my past and I would curse myself for paying attention to all of it. Now, after facing these incidents over and over again, I have absolutely no emotions left towards them.
It’s like, I’m immune to my past now. I haven’t moved on, entirely but I haven’t stayed either. Life’s going on, I’m going along with it, everything’s fine and I’m still enjoying being in 2021🤍
Please don’t ever become a stranger (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Please don’t ever become a stranger (hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you) Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere (And I will hold on to you) ~ New Year’s Day Taylor Swift
The wait is finally over and it’s time we start the ride all over again. LOL. I hope 2023 brings you lots of love, luck and light. May 2023 be as lucky as the sum of its digits. (not me trying to look smart)
Anywayyy, this year New Year celebration was amazing. It was not very sparkly or glittery, it was all about lots of people meeting, and having a great time together. New Year’s eve was all about fun with my sistah and my cousins who had come over. I went on a bike ride with my sis and we baked a cake, got chased by dogs (this was not fun), and enjoyed it so much.
The morning was all about going to the park in the morning, enjoying solitude, and thinking about the days gone by.
The afternoon was about doing what I love. I watched movies with my family and played music on my terrace while I painted flower pots. It was so fun having paint all over my hands after so long. Here is a little picture of the mess I made. Hehe, don’t judge. I know, it’s terrible.
And this is a click of what was remaining of — the cAkE.
I took my dog on a walk to the park later in the night and I talked to him about my hopes for 2023. He didn’t seem very interested though.
After my cousins left, I went to bed. Butttt how could I miss THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF NEW YEAR. Reading my lettersssssss. So that’s what I did. I tucked myself in bed while I secretly pulled out my letters from the hide. I flipped through the pages of each one of them. They held so many emotions. I know this sounds so cliche but even the touch of every paper said something. Even my writing explained my emotions. The running handwriting showed my anger. The calligraphy depicted peace. Some pages had distorted ink due to my tears while some were crumpled showing my urge to throw them away. But I kept ’em. I kept all of ’em. Despite the fact that most of them held the most negative of my days, the others showed me how happy I was then. So, I kept ’em.
It is the feeling of fulfillment every time I read these letters that motivates me to write more. The feeling of not being in the same place anymore. The feeling of growth. However, at times, I still don’t feel right but the fact that I am in a better place than before is what these letters tell me. They make me feel so grateful for everything around me.
The fact that I am still surviving after losing, leaving, and being left. After falling, breaking down, and getting the pieces of myself in place again. After trusting, learning to never trust again, trying to trust again only to get betrayed again. After sharing, over-sharing, and then only sharing with the people who deserve to know. After all of my bad days and all of the good ones, it shows me that I am still surviving. For the best.
When you read your letters on New Year’s Eve with those fireworks outside, everything feels worth it.
I really recommend everyone to do the same. Even if you don’t have anything to say, just write down “I don’t know what to talk about today”. When you read that after some time, you’ll know how emotionless your days used to be then. 💀 (personal experience, speaking.)
I hold a lot of hopes for this year too. I wrote in my first letter of the year today about all that I want 2023 to be like. I don’t have major resolutions for this year, small ones but they’ll make a great difference to my life for sure.
Be less altruistic and a little more selfish. Those who know me personally suggested I should do this so, here we go
Learn to prioritise. Both people and work.
Focus more on academic and co-curricular growth. I think I did a fairly good job with this in 2022. I focussed more on co-curricular than I did in 2021 and the back-end work that I did in 2021 bore me fruits in 2022. I got recognition for my work and talent but I want to do more of it this year ‘cuz BOARD EXAMS came in the way. Once they’re over. Junior year is waiting 🤍
Get back to dancing. Though I did re-start dancing this year, I really want to give my practical and theory exam this year so that I move to Prarambhik-4 class. (It’s a level/class in Indian classical dance forms.)
Be decisive. I can already foresee. This year is going to be about major decisions. I’d have to be very careful because each step might disappoint someone while it’d make someone else very happy. I really hope my decisions don’t negatively affect me or the people who care for me in any way. I have already hurt them enough.
2021 was about making mistakes and breaking down while 2022 was about learning from the mistakes, correcting them, and getting up again. 2023 should be all about healing and new beginnings. At least that’s what I hope for. 2022 has been a beautiful year with lots of memories. I wish 2023 is as good as my horoscope says it’ll be. LOL.
I wish you all a very happy new year again. May this year bring you the will and power to be able to meet your resolutions and lots of good memories to hold on to.